In Nosara, Costa Rica at a house called Casa Verde.
3 weeks in Costa Rica working at Qoya retreats as an astrologer. Here I am in limbo, set free from the retreat bubble. Days are long and full, simple and reflective. Everyone wants to befriend me before I go.
What can I say about all this?
The first week I was here, I came back to myself. Shaking off layers of soot and shame, masks and trying-to-be’s. Relaxing concepts of “must do this to do/be that.” Sixteen sisters held a rainbow moonstone, looked into my eyes and said;
I see you as Nature.
I was confirmed.
I canoodled with the plants. Hips dancing on trunks of trees, grasses itching my pores and covering me with smells like manure. I came back to myself while dancing the journey of tortoise. Slowing down, feeling the pressure of my belly on the earth, dragging myself forward in the sand one strong fin-stroke at a time until finally, years later, I landed in the sea. Floating with my fins as wings. Sunlight streaming down through rippling gold and turquoise above. I worked patiently my whole life for this. When I arrived, where I arrived,
was absolute suspension in the embrace of totality. Freedom of Life.
My whole life has brought me to this Here.
The cards I pulled shared a story of aloneness, trust, guidance and guardianship. My sexual energy pulsed so strongly and downward I overcame with heat and sweet. Everything is at my beck and call. Dispersed by sacred No.
I danced into the sunset directly. No filter and lack of divide. When you dance into the sunset, the warmth and glow emanate from you for days beyond. I spoke words of settling and peace, piercing eyes spying into souls and sensing everything.
A challenging Lover, me. Feeling it all and demanding full attention.
Nothing less than Presence.
May I drink upon Essence. This is the milk within the pearl,
herein the genius temple of everlasting life. Only one: engulf me in your herenow worship. Sacred attention requires no guideline or map. I come bearing witness, offering a portal to remember.
Here to be a messenger. Here to inspire. Here to enliven. Here to whelm with light. Here to usher in thistery.. mystery. To my clients I am not here for solve. I am here to bring only truth and something I can never understand.
When Yemanja calls me late into the night, I follow my body to her shores. The same hypnotic star I spoke with one year prior tries to take my sight. I open my arms to endlessness and shout and sing: Tell me what to do and I will do it. I am here. I lay upon a labyrinth to feel nothing but subtle tremors and the crystallization of a voice inside uttering “I Accept.”
Is it any mistake the word labyrinth reminds me of labia? Walking or dancing the spiral is magnetic, drawing me in. Sitting in the center after all the women before me, returning to this sacred portal of life death relife again now. Just as quickly, just as knowingly as she took me in her folds she spills me out again to make action.
My womb is ceremoniously squeezed until the blood releases painlessly. My body is held and turned by special hands and announced Receptive. My eyes steel pools of endless falling into.
Everyone I meet is telling me just how to go. Not in an annoying way. In a world open way. In a way of time to claim my destiny. Reminding me of possibility. You and you and you, my messengers.
Reminding me that the risks I take for myself are risks I take for countless others who watch with bated breath, wondering what they can do with this quaky life. What calls you? Why wouldn’t you make that first priority.
Can I do this? Can I travel like I’m called to? Can I show up and be entirely supported by this generous earth and all her children? Can I write the books, run the schools, show up in integrity and alignment and offer myself with completion to discovery? Can I do this work to the degree I dream is possible, and then beyond?
I don’t have to keep doing my practices. Eventually all of life becomes the practice. Eventually it’s only about one thing: knowing who you are. Holding on to the Center. The center of you IS all that is. Maintaining your commitment to the rediscovery of yourself in all lives and timelessness without cease. Can I embrace myself as this eternal ocean.
What else is there.
When I get home, what crumbles down and what remains. What choices are to be made. What separations required from wheat to chaff. What business must I attend to. How is the reckoning.
Heed, I pray. Please guide me clearly and gently through transitions. Please always, always take me home to my essence. Tell me what to do and I will do it. Let me expand into the fullness I came to give and offer in joy. I open my heart more deeply. I reflect the flowing expression of emotion with range. I allow myself to be Goddess and God unfolded incarnate. Let us make this dance infinite in true power. Let me full-fill and empty.